The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
