Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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