I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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