oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
