Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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