I feel like my teeth are sweating.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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