I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
