it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you win again, gameday.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
