I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
