Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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