Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
