Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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