My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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