so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
