I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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