haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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