i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
should my penis look like a turkey
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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