I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
