does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize