"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
