what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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