I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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