Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She's the barista slut.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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