Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
