I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
