I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
