I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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