I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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