I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Randomize
