When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
