I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
When did angry sex become our thing?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
