Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
