he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
