I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
