she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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