Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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