i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
