sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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