and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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