Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
