I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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