i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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