This is not my ceiling
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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