Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
