areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
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