When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
