I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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