Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
