I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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