My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
