My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
