If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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