Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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