I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
