What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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