ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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