I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
