I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
