I think my fart just growled at me.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
