I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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