So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
