I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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