took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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