I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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