Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
